A-list stylist Micaela Erlanger finds peace at an ayahuasca retreat

Grief often brings us face to face with the complexity of our emotions and, for me, it was no different. When I was navigating the pain of losing my mentor, I found solace in the works of Mary Oliver. A phrase from the poem

“The Uses of Grief” resonated deeply with me: “Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to discover that this too was a gift.”

What I didn’t realize at the time was that those words would encompass the essence of a profound journey that I would embark on nearly a decade later: my first experience with ayahuasca. This journey, much like a dark box, was terrifying at first, but in the end turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I could receive.

For the first time I met ayahuasca with representatives. I was first drawn to herbal medicine after reading about its therapeutic potential and suggesting it to a close friend who was struggling deeply. They took my advice and had an incredible experience at Rythmia Life Advancement Center, a medically licensed retreat in Costa Rica.

This friend described the trip as much more than a psychedelic experience and explained that they found a deep and profound healing that was difficult to articulate in words. They said it was the sort of thing I should do and see for myself, and assured me there was nothing to fear; in fact, it could help me with some personal challenges I was navigating at the time.

The pain was something I was familiar with: the loss of my beloved mentor, the death of family members and friends, and most recently, the end of my marriage.

As someone in the public eye – I’m a famous fashion designer who has worked with some of the biggest names in Hollywood – I was initially hesitant to explore this avenue. The idea of ​​participating in a vacation where I could be vulnerable and exposed filled me with a mixture of skepticism and anxiety. I had long felt the pressure to maintain a certain “perfect image,” and the prospect of getting the word out that I was seeking help through such unconventional means made me question the decision. The fear of what I might encounter—the loss of control and the emotions I had long held and ignored—was almost paralyzing.

However, my friend’s remarkable experience gave me the courage to book my trip. Arriving at Rythmia, I was immediately put at ease by the beauty of the surroundings, the warmth of the people and the sense of security that pervaded the resort. The dragonflies flying around seemed like gentle guardians, signaling that I was in the right place.

Rythmia offers more than just the ayahuasca ceremony, it offers comprehensive preparation for the trip. The classes — led by facilitators including founder and CEO Gerard Powell and Chief Medical Officer Jeff McNairy — were enlightening. They assured me that ayahuasca was not a drug, but a real medicine, revered by indigenous people in the Amazon for thousands of years as a powerful healing tool. This understanding helped ease my anxiety greatly. The facilitator described the experience as “15 years of therapy in one night” and after four nights (required by the program), we were promised the ability to heal personal and generational trauma.

On the first night of the ceremony, my heart was pounding as I waited to enter the maloca (a traditional Amazonian wooden house), where we would drink the ayahuasca drink. Almost immediately after consuming the first cup, I was thrown into a vivid flashback of my earliest memories, from infancy through high school. The experience was like watching a film reel of my past, one that revealed memories I had long buried in my “dark box.” For someone who grew up with a pretty idyllic childhood and a healthy, loving family, I was surprised by how much I had held on to all these years.

The visions and fading memories that came to me were memories that I would normally have forgotten and not considered traumatic, but as I relived these flashbacks on ayahuasca, I experienced repressed feelings of fear, doubt, pain, shame, and guilt. . were excruciating. In these moments I realized how necessary it was to feel them and let them go. It sounds funny in retrospect, but I really was carrying deep-seated emotions attached to these early memories along with the other stories that played in my mind that evening.

Ayahuasca told me to forgive myself and everyone else in my dreams. What followed next was this incredible wave of freedom and peace that made me cry tears of joy. I was no longer carrying the weight of those feelings, nor the stories and meaning that accompanied them.

During my first retreat, I sought clarity about my relationship, which was in trouble, but instead found clarity about everything else in my life. Although I was initially frustrated by this, in the following months I realized that I had gained the tools and courage to make the difficult decision to walk away from a deeply unhealthy situation that no longer served me.

A year later, I returned to Rythmia and found my second ayahuasca experience markedly different. By this time, I was already going through a divorce, but the fear that had once held me back was completely gone. I felt a deep connection and trust in myself; my inner voice had become my closest ally. I drank a lot more ayahuasca this time—seven, eight, sometimes nine cups a night. But despite increasing the dose, the experience was much less intense and much milder. The medicine seems to give you only what you can handle, silently knowing what is needed to be discovered and felt.

My real transformation didn’t happen in retreat, but after I returned to my everyday life. The unnecessary baggage I had with me began to fall. My head reconnected with my heart and my purpose in life became clearer. I found deeper connections with others. I rediscovered a love for my work that I hadn’t felt in years.

Most importantly, I found a sense of peace within myself – my emotional availability was wide open. The fear and self-doubt that had plagued me completely disappeared, the awareness I felt was so strong and I could really trust myself and my intuition again – something I had long forgotten how to do.

I plan to continue this journey of self-exploration by returning to Rytmia every year. I know there are more layers to peel back. It’s easy to think you’re doing the work when you’re in therapy or working with coaches, but ayahuasca cuts through all the BS and cracks you open in the most beautiful way. It is said that “the only way is to face your fears and your feelings”, so as the most difficult moments pass, they leave you feeling lighter than ever, feeling whole, completely resolved and healed.

The most important lesson I have learned is to truly love, accept, trust and forgive myself. To tap into my heart and listen to my inner voice and intuition, which is stronger than ever. Ayahuasca taught me that true forgiveness comes from deep within one’s soul and that the greatest act of surrender is through deep acceptance.

So maybe what I’m feeling right now is freedom—pure, unadulterated freedom—self-love and gratitude for my life experiences. As Mary Oliver’s poem suggests, the darkness that once covered me was not a curse, but a profound gift. It took courage to look within myself to realize that the darkness I feared was simply the path to finding my light.